5 Tips for Long-Distance Relationships from a Therapist who gets it.

(Written by Margaret Davis, LPC)

Long-distance relationships can suck. You get less quality time with your partner. You're trying to stay connected through texting, and calling, and video chatting. You're constantly thinking about when you're going to see each other next. Maybe there's a frustrating miscommunication, or you have technology issues while trying to watch a movie together, or just a day when you're both busy and you don't feel super connected. It can feel lonely at times, and exhausting, and just hard...

I've been there, and I know what it feels like. My partner and I were long-distance for about a year, and it taught me a lot about myself and our relationship. We were states away, and we made it work (with lots of trial and error). You can make it work too! Whether you're in different cities, states, or even countries - navigating long-distance can come with challenges. But, I'm here to give you a few different tips and things to think about... so that hopefully your long-distance relationship (LDR) can feel a bit easier and more fulfilling.

First off, I want to acknowledge something pretty dang cool about being in a long-distance relationship.

This is an incredible opportunity to improve your communication with each other, and build (or re-build) a really strong foundation for your relationship. Miscommunications, arguments, and conflicts - can feel even bigger when you're apart. You don't get to connect by being in the same room with other, or holding hands, or cuddling, or watching tv. Pretty much all of your communication is done through words. So, you're essentially forced to work on how you communicate with each other. Although this royally sucks, it can also be super powerful for growing together as a couple, and individually.

Another cool thing: When you're with someone and they don't live near you, you're not just with them out of convenience or proximity. You're choosing to be with each other, even though you know the LDR will be tough at times. You're choosing the difficult path because you want to be with each other. Maybe it would be easier to be with someone who lives in your same town. But there's something about the person you're with and the connection you have with each other, that's special. So, you're choosing them and they're choosing you... even when it's hard. And that's pretty rad.

Alrighty. Now we dive into the tips for how to make the shitty parts of a long-distance relationship feel a little better.

Read through these tips and see which one(s) stand out to you. They may not all resonate or apply to your particular long-distance situation, but maybe you can take some inspiration from some of them, or even make one of them your own.

Tip 1: Always have an idea of when you're going to see your partner next.

Obviously this one is dependent on your particular situation. You may be in an LDR that doesn't allow you to see each other very often. But (if you can), try to have the next visit planned on the calendar! It can be EXTRA helpful to know when the next visit will be, before you say goodbye from the current visit. This gives your brain and your heart something to anchor to, amidst all of the unknown and the separation. It gives you and your partner a specific date, so you know how long you have until you see each other again. It also gives you both something to look forward to.

Tip 2: Communicate, communicate, communicate.

If something your partner is doing has upset you, or if you're really missing them and you need more connection, or if an issue has come up - let your partner know. This is true not just for an LDR, of course. It's important to communicate how we're feeling to our partner and to talk through conflicts, no matter if the relationship is long-distance or not. But specifically in an LDR, you don't have that quality time connection or that physical connection. You're not seeing each other as often and you're not around each other as often. This can potentially create more miscommunications. It can be hard to know how your partner is really feeling over text. You're not seeing their body language. You're not physically around their energy and their changing moods. And they're not seeing as much of you either. So, practicing communication (even when if feels scary or hard) can help minimize the distress.

Tip 3: Spice up the ways that you're connecting with your partner.

Technology is awesome for long-distance relationships. It allows you to communicate with your partner often, and in different ways: texting, phone calls, video calls, social media, apps, etc. But, if you're only doing one or two of these, it can start to feel draining and repetitive. If all you're doing is texting, and you haven't heard your partner's voice in a couple days, that can be tough... Without the in-person connection, we have to lean heavily on technology, so try switching it up! Plan a video chat one evening with your partner if y'all have been doing mostly phone calls. Send each other fun pictures of what you've done throughout the day. Text your partner a meme or gif that made you think of them. Send a sweet Venmo to your partner that will pay for their coffee that morning. Download a long-distance app you can both use to connect with (one I really like is called "Cozy Couples"). Getting creative on new ways you can connect can bring some excitement and freshness into the back and forth texts and calls.

Tip 4: Plan virtual date nights.

This is also a GREAT way to spice up the ways that you're connecting with your partner. If you were both in the same city, y'all would likely go out on dates! You can still do that even when you're in different places. It'll just look different and will take some more thought and intention.

Here are some ideas:

• Watch the same movie or tv show together while you video chat. Make popcorn, sweet treats, and enjoy this like you would if you were cuddled up on the couch together.

• Do a craft together. You can each go to the store and get the same craft, or a different craft, and then work on it together one night while you video chat.

• Parallel play. This is when you share the same "physical space", but you're each doing different things. You can do this while you video chat or have a phone call. Maybe you're reading, while your partner is cleaning or watching a show. Or your partner is playing video games while you do a craft, or cook dinner.

• You each go to the same restaurant that's in both of your cities, pick up take-out and bring it back to your individual places, and then eat together while you're on a call with each other. Show each other what you food you got, and have dinner together. :)

Tip 5: Continuing your own hobbies and interests outside of the relationship.

At times being in an LDR can feel like you're just waiting and waiting until the next time you see each other. And while it can be helpful to know when you're going to see each other next so you can look forward to it and have something to anchor to - it's also important NOT to put your life on hold until then. You still want to be doing things that bring you joy, even when you're not with your partner. In my opinion, you're kind of living two lives when you're in an LDR. You're in a relationship, and you're also spending a lot of time without your partner. And then you have the days or weeks where you're together, and then you're apart again. It can be a hard adjustment going back and forth. But having things that you can lean on when you're away from your partner can bring more ease to this. Spend time with your friends. Go to different events around town, art shows, concerts, sports games, etc. Engage in a hobby. Put more energy into your work. Plan things that you're looking forward to, even if your partner is not with you. This can be a nice distraction while you're waiting to see your partner again, AND it can help you not put your life on hold while you're waiting.

I hope this feels helpful.

Long-distance relationship are not for the weak. They're tough. And they can also be fertile ground to grow a really nourishing connection and partnership. You're forced to communicate in a different way, you're forced to be more intentional with the time you spend together, and you're forced to navigate time apart. While an LDR brings sooo many challenges - it's also an opportunity to learn more about your partner and yourself. Hopefully some of the things I listed can help you and your partner navigate long-distance with a bit more ease and grounded-ness.

Thanks for reading. :) If you're looking for more support around long-distance relationships, feel free to reach out! I offer therapy to individuals navigating relationships, break-ups, and dating. I'd love to hear from ya.